he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize