worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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