Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to have your abortion
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize