I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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