see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
