Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize