I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
