My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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