I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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