I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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