Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
