I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
