Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The best revenge is premature balding
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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