He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
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