I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I forget how to act sober
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
