Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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