Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
