where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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