So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize