dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
