If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
no, he came in my armpit
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
