I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
