Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
