what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
