exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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