my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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