Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
