If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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