My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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