He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
