I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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