dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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