You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
