remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
