remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
