he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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