my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
