Plan B is the new Plan A
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
