He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
