I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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