I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
