When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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