I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize