I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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