apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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