I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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