how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
