Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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