I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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