You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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