yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
