So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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