Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize