i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
