Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
