everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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