so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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